The Redskins' Prayer

Sun - 9/13/09
I was at the bar watching the Dolphins when my phone died at about 3:30 ... 45 minutes before the Skins/Giants game jumped off. By the time I got the thing recharged, we were 3 quarters in and I had racked up 38 text messages, the majority from 4 cousins and my brother. Actually, I'm not even sure my brother joined in the text barrage. This may have been the combined work of 4 cousins and a couple friends. I started to shuffle through all my messages, unearthing gems like:

'fuck aikman'
'we are not very good'
'we blow'
'we need a new qb, a new coach, a new o line'
'Campbell reminds me of Forest Gump, but without the heart and brains. Actually, that statement is an insult to Forest. Forest was an All American for the Crimson Tide and would have been a great NFL player if it wasn't for that damn Vietnam War and the injury he sustained to his buttocks.'
'Cornerbacks are losing the game for us. Plus we suck and have campbell and zorn.'
'Unfucking believable'
'This could be a blow out'
'WTF is with this playcalling? Who's coaching this team? Tom Landry?'
'I feel bad you have to watch Campbell stink up the joint all day.'

Jammed in the middle of curse word combos and cries of disgust, I found a prayer my cousin Bill penned before kickoff. So without further adieu, I give you the Redskins prayer:

As the opening game of the season nears, I only have a few simple requests of the Football gods. Please, let the Redskins play football like men this year. Please let the offensive line play much bigger than their puny selves. Please turn Jason Campbell into a superstar with some fire in his belly and balls as big as those famous Redskins quarterbacks of yore. Please keep our superstars healthy. Please tell Zorn that he cannot dink and dunk the ball all day long, especially on 3rd and long. And lastly, oh gods of the almighty pigskin, if you could please let us beat the shit out of the 'insert team of choice' today. Is this is too much to ask, then fuck you, fuck aikman, and fuck all the teams we play, because Redskins fans around the globe are counting on you to deliver us to the promised land. Amen! Hail to the Redskins! Hail Victory! Go Skins!

Nuke -The Truth-